my phone needs a breathalizer
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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