I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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