I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
