some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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