Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
