Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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