My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
