if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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