omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
