Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
two words...techno handjob
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
