Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
