This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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