A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
