There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Randomize
