The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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