You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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