grandma shit on top of the toilet
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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