He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
it was like his penis was on wheels.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
