Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
