Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
