When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
