Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
