So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
