my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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