You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
