Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
