The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
