He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
