i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
