I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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