Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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