i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
