i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
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