i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
