I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
