Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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