Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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