Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
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I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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