He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
