if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
