When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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