Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
