I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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