You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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