Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
