Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
