It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize