see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
