My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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