Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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