Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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