Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
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I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
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Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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