well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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