Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
