im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
